Seeking the Balance

I’ve been wanting to write this for weeks, ever since a talk I had with my friend weeks ago when we took our trip back to our old college town, but life happens.  I can’t recall exactly what it was that directed out conversation onto this topic so perhaps the how’s and why’s aren’t so important.

The topic?  Balance.

In all things…balance.  You’ve got to take the ugly with the beauty.

There cannot be good without evil; order without chaos. 

There is no light without the darkside.  (Yes, that is a Star Wars reference. Apologies to Han, but I kind of have a thing for hokey religions and ancient weapons).

In order for one organism to live another must die.  The balance of nature, the good old Circle of Life that Mufasa kept talking about.  

I’m not an overly religious person. Spiritual, sure, with a heavy dose of agnosticism thrown in.  I believe there is a higher power (for lack of a better word) but I don’t feel that it’s existence can, nor should be, proven.  I was raised in the Catholic faith and while, I still go to mass and find a certain peacefulness in the ritual I feel that my personal beliefs are more in sync with some Native American cultures.  (“God” is more of a force, an energy, that flows and ebbs through all things. Through the rocks, us, all living things…everything, making everything connected). There is a feeling of balance and harmony that I do not find within the confines of my Catholic upbringing.

For quite sometime my life has been way out of whack, the balance has been heavily leaning towards the negative.  Much of it has not been in my control, and I acknowledge those bits I can’t change. Like a bear out of hibernation, I feel like I’ve awoken from a long nap, and I’m going to start finding my balance, my positive again.  

In recent months I’ve lost my Dad, my Uncle and yesterday, a former student.  My husband’s ongoing battle with depression has been stressful and often has left me feeling wilted and unhappy.  These things are all horribly sad. They are also things that are beyond my control and they are not my battles to fight.  It’s been a struggle at times, but through this darkness I have found my light. The balance I was looking for. It has always been there, its light dulled, but it has always been there waiting for me.  I started painting again and it felt so good! I’ve reconnected with old friends that have brought so much joy into my life. Music has returned, bringing with it exciting new artists. I have a smart, fun kid who likes to hang out with me, even though enforcing the rules and boundaries set up for her, has earned me “The Meanest Mom in the World” title.

 In all things…balance.  Let me not forget this.