Heaven?

I was watching an episode of Supernatural where Sam and Dean were killed and were sent to Heaven. In this episode Heaven was a place where everyone had their own personal “universe” were they relived their happiest moments. So this got me to thinking about what my Heaven would be like, if Heaven were as Sam and Dean experienced. **Disclaimer: This post really isn’t about what the Afterlife is or isn’t, whether it exists or not.

One of my first thoughts was of Big Pine Lake. My family and I first started going up there when I was in 3rd grade. We continued to go up there well into my 20s. Nothing on this earth has ever been as relaxing as fishing for walleye out in my Dad’s boat. The sun warming my head and the gentle rocking of the boat always brought me true peace. My Dad was never a man of many words, but this, this was our thing. As a kid I used to walk the trails with the resort’s dog, Buster, spend my quarters on video games that I was never any good at and see how high I could swing. When I was older a childhood friend and I would often take off in the row boat for hours fishing for sunnies and bass in “the corner”. I’d spend my quarters on video games I still wasn’t any good at and I would see how high I could swing.
Then there are the moments I had with my sisters. My sisters and I have always been extremely close. I think that had a lot to do with how often we moved as kids. We were like each other’s built-in friends, because being the new kid sucks. Some of my happy memories surrounding my sisters involve that big hill at our house in Sioux City. We used to tear down that hill on our sleds each winter, like supersonic maniacs. There were the times we would ride up to Big Pine in the back of Dad’s truck. Man, that thing was decked out! Dad had built two large benches that served as beds and there was a table. For hours we would play Mad Libs or read Choose Your Own Adventure books. We’d sing obnoxiously loud. Looking back it was totally unsafe, but it was totally fun.
I pretty much hated the entirety of High School. It seemed like my own personal Hell with the kind of bullying that you see on After School Specials. Being introverted and shy like I was back then certainly didn’t help matters. I did have some close friends and we would spend Friday nights cruising down Oxford and around the lake talking about boys and listening to 80s Hair Metal. Those were good times.
While I would never want to revisit high school, my college years were much different. I could probably choose any number of places and events during those years, but one place stands out above all. There was this little house out in the country that a friend owned. While I was almost always exhausted from a lack of sleep my time there was one of the most memorable and happiest times of my life. Some of my most profound friendships “live” in my memory there. Playing pool, watching movies, playing video games I wasn’t always so good at, sitting on the hood of a car holding hands, secret confessions, lessons learned and late night (or was it early morning?) runs to for food. While we’ve all gone different directions in life, I am forever grateful I had these people in my life.
The night at Happy Chef a dear friend sang the lines “She don’t got a lot to say, but there’s something about her” from The Little Mermaid’s Kiss the Girl to me. This moment was nothing of the romantic sort, but it’s one I never want to forget. He was feeling down due to a girl and needed cheering up. Much fun and hilarity was had that night and I think I laughed so hard that my stomach muscles ached the next day.
Wrigley Field. Because baseball.
There was this one Halloween were two of my girl friends and I dressed up and went out dancing while the guys we were with hung out at the bar. After we decided to go back and build a bonfire in the cow pasture which was empty except for the cow leavings. We spent our time singing songs, speaking Lakota, talking of owls, the aurora borealis and I dreamt of possibilities that I had never thought of before. I remember wishing this night would never end.
One memorable place would have to be a Caroline’s Spine (Mad Verb, MWK, Phil Marshall…) show. Besides my days out at the little house in my college days following around this band was another one of those happy times of my life. I made great friends, from all walks of life, saw places I’d never thought to visit and all in all it was a wonderful crazy adventure. I could not pin point an exact show as there are just to many and they are all jumbled in my head. Perhaps one would be my 31st birthday weekend? A surprise birthday cake backstage and everyone singing to me has to be one of my favorite birthday memories ever. Oh, and the plaid pants. Introverting in my hotel room and a certain drummer talking books with me? Or maybe it would be all of us walking State Street looking for pizza and a place to hang out? Possibly the night that Seven and I met for the first time? That was a fun night.
While this next one is not entirely a happy moment in my life as I was being let go from my teaching position due to budgetary reasons, it is a defining moment of my life. I had just told one of my 4th grade sections that I would not be returning as their art teacher the following year. I was sad, they were sad and there were lots of sniffles. One boy raised his hand so I called on him. “Ms. __, can I have a hug?” he asked. I only managed a nod. In seconds I was mobbed by 25 4th graders in a group hug. I’m not going to lie. I cried, but never have I ever felt so loved. I knew that I’d made a difference in these kids lives and though teaching isn’t easy, it was what I was meant to do.
Sitting with my new friend under the stars, feeding the fire, long after everyone else went indoors. He and I sat talking of everything. Our dreams, of where we wanted to go and what we had to do yet. Our place in the great cosmos. Our art. Very rarely do we make that kind of personal connection with another human being and yet here was one of those moments, unexpected.
Lastly and by no means least, there is my daughter. My feisty little love. Her first steps. Her first words. Making her giggle. The pure joy in her face when she was little and I handed her that yellow blanket with butterflies. I knew it must be something special to her because she just wiggled with delight. Somedays the pre-teen drama gets to me, but never in a million, trillion years will she cease to be my little peanut and my favorite person on this earth.

Current Work

Music and painting have always been two very important things to me. In my late 20’s and into my 30’s I spent no small amount of time going to shows seeing my favorite bands. It’s one of my favorite times of my life and I still enjoy going to see good music. The lights, the thudding of the bass and drums…ahhh, I loved it. I don’t know why I never thought to bring this experience of mine into my painting.

That is until I was going through some photos I took years ago. I was fascinated with the colors of the lights and how they changed the actual colors of the musician’s clothing, skin, etc. My first painting was the close up of the man singing and playing guitar, followed by the orange lead singer. Last was the purple duo.

These are not supposed to be any one particular person. Instead I like to think of them as everyone and no one. I was more after the feeling of a show, rather than someone specific. In fact I borrowed parts from different images to create each painting.

While I am proud of each of these paintings for different reasons, I think my personal favorite would be the orange one. It by far was the most difficult one to achieve of the three simply because orange does not play well with other colors. I feel like I was very successful with the bright white light behind the hand holding the mic stand. With this painting I actually feel the urge to jump up and down and yell as if I was at a concert.

I aim to continue working on this series for awhile. I have several ideas in the back of my head, but I think I’m going to be a bit more leisurely about it. All of these paintings were done within a months time. I finished the first blue painting right before my Dad’s death and the other two were part of a challenge I was participating in. Acrylic April or Artsy April is where you do something creative and post it on social media once a day for an entire month. I finished the purple painting last week. While I have another painting planned I cannot finish it within this month so I’ll take my time and post it when it is complete.

Misinformation Reigns

I’m beginning to see a lot of misinformation being spread about Notre Dame. The Catholic Church does not own Notre Dame. The French Ministry of Culture owns it, as it does most other historical buildings (including other Cathedrals throughout France). They do have an agreement with the Diocese of Paris that allows the Diocese to use the space for free in perpetuity. The cost of continual restoration on a building of this age is staggering. Yes, the Diocese of Paris contributes as do other entities, but they do not own Notre Dame. You can read more about it in this link if you choose.
https://www.google.com/…/Notre-dame-cathedral-fire-owne…/amp

Should the Church contribute? You bet. And no doubt they will.

I guess what is also bugging me about people saying the money is better spent elsewhere, such on the poor. I cannot argue against that point that feel we should take care of those less fortunate. I agree! We should be treating our fellow man better and we (mankind) do a pretty crappy job of it. However, I also feel very strongly that this building needs to be restored.

Why? Notre Dame is not just a church. Just as the pyramids are not just tomb for some rich ruler. Monuments such as these are temples of human ingeuenity and asthetic beauty. They are lasting testements of mankind overcoming obstacles to create something. Ideas to make something better than it was before. Those famous flying buttresses you hear about that hold up the aspe wall on Notre Dame? Without them the thin, tall, windowed walls would collapse. Some Middle Ages engineer(s) noticed the stress fractures forming during the construction and devised a new support system to save the building. Enter the flying buttresses. He/they did this without the aid of modern equipment and computers. The same can be said for the dome at the Hagia Sophia. These things are beautiful beyond words and are a a testiment of what mankind can achieve.

Notre Dame is not just a church. The Great Wall of China isn’t just a wall. Let it Be isn’t just a song and David isn’t just a statue. Mesa Verde isn’t just an abandoned town. They all are records of the collective human experience and our achievements. They are our shared human history. Every civilization, every culture has these monuments. They all deserve to be preserved and shared. When we lose one, such as The Buddhas of Bamiyam, we lose a part of us.

The road in creating these monuments isn’t always nice. We especially should not forget those ugly moments to avoid repeating them.

Notre Dame

Over a decade now, I went to visit my future husband in France. One of my wishes was to go to Paris to see Notre Dame, amongst other things. Being from France he was a bit passe about all things Parisian and impessed upon me that he was not excited in the least. When we arrived in Paris our taxi took a route around the Ile de la Cité on which Note Dame resides. You could see her towers soar majestically above the other buildings. I was speechless. Even my jaded David, was in awe.

Later that day we would stroll down the Avenue des Champs-Élysées and visit her. I can’t say that I had the greatest time. Too many people, jostling me, taking photos when it was clearly prohibited. Afterwards we wandered around the Cathedral, found a place to have our picnic lunch where I could admire the flying buttresses, an engineering and architecturural feat that is still unrivaled in it’s asthetic beauty. That moment was and always be one of my most treasured memories.

I was fortunate to later find and purchase a small painting from a street artists with my favorite view of Notre Dame.

I am shocked and sickened by this loss of history and to this monument of human ingeuenity and asthetic beauty.

Influential Album Challenge Day 10 – Caroline’s Spine Monsoon

February 14, 1998. First Avenue, Minneapolis, MN. The day my Caroline’s Spine adventure began.

It was the day I first saw the only band that I would consider sharing the number one spot with Soundgarden’s Badmotorfinger on my, oh so important influential album challenge. Caroline’s Spine is not only a big influence music-wise, but it also a personal connection that, really I wouldn’t care to separate from the music. As I mentioned, it was a nearly 10 year epic journey “following” a band, meeting and making some life-long friends and an all around good time.

On that February day, my friends Cathy, Russ and I had decided to go and see a Sebastian Bach concert at the famous First Avenue in Minneapolis. Caroline’s Spine was the opening band. Generally speaking I am rarely moved by opening act, but this band was different right out of the gate. From the first song, which I would find out later was called Jumpship, I was completely blown away. My friend Cathy and I looked at each other halfway through their set in amazement. After the show we went over to the merch table intent on buying their CD. Unfortunately, they were sold out.

I drove down to Mankato the next day in search of their CD Monsoon. Once purchased it was on permeant rotation in my CD player. I was not alone in my new found obsession, as my friend Cathy had it just as bad. I told her that once summer came around and if they had a show anywhere within 8 hours driving distance, we’d go. Our next show was in Lincoln, NE (or was it Sioux Falls, SD? It’s all such a blur!) followed by the New London Music Fest somewhere deep into Wisconsin. Not too long after this we started seeing familiar faces at the shows and making new friends. I met one of my greatest and dearest friends, Seven, at a show in Cedar Rapids, IA. She and I had some of the best road trips ever. Every show it seemed that our little family added a new face or two. Through the years many of us have stayed close, even if we do not get together like we used too. Every time I hear Rainbow Connection I think them.

When I first saw Spine they were touring in support of their CD Monsoon. Basically, Monsoon is comprised of the “best songs” from the bands four previous indie releases (Caroline’s Spine, …So Good Afternoon, Ignore the Ants and Huge). They were remastered or re-recorded. These songs were the backbone of any Spine show, but to really get Spine, I almost think you had to see them live.

But back to the album. There is a strong lyrical storytelling aspect to Monsoon, especially on the band’s most recognizable song, Sullivan. It is a retelling of five brothers from Waterloo, IA stationed on the same ship in the South Pacific during WWII. The music is somewhere between alternative and hard rock, a post-grunge sound if you like (which is a thing). Upbeat and in-your-face with some of the catchiest guitar riffs around.

I’ve always thought it a shame that Spine didn’t get the recognition they so rightly deserved. Do yourself a favor. Go over to YouTube and search for Sullivan. Or any of their live shows. You won’t be disappointed.

Influential Album Challenge Day 9 – Soundgarden Badmotorfinger

I consider Badmotorfinger and the album I will name for day 10 to be a tie for #1 on my list. I’m not going to even try and pick which one means more to me.

I know I selected Chris Cornell’s retrospective CD for Day 8 yesterday, but for me Badmotorfinger is, and has been one of my favorite CDs for nearly 30 years now and for that reason alone it deserves it own damn spot on my list. In fact I think it is the quintessential Soundgarden album. Yesterday was about Chris Cornell and his legacy, today, is Soundgarden. There were three other guys in the band, Kim Thayil, Matt Cameron and Ben Shepard, each masters of their craft. Take anyone one of them away and you’d not have the Soundgarden we think of.

So much attention has been given to Chris Cornell about his contribution to music, his voice, his lyrics, that it often overshadowed the rest of the band. You know I love me some Chris Cornell, but it is true. For instance, did you know that Room a Thousand Years Wide was written by Matt Cameron and Kim Thayil? And that my favorite song off the CD, Slaves and Bulldozers was a collaboration between bassist and human bean stalk, Ben Shepard and Cornell? (Makes sense, since the bass in this song is f-n’ badass).

I am not a musician and really have a very small grasp of anything technical about music. Apparently, Badmotorfinger is full of unusual time signatures and tunings. I’ve always liked to listen to things that are off the beaten path so to speak. I like the unusual, the odd thing put in place where it shouldn’t be. I like the weird. Music isn’t any different. (For instance, take Johnny Flynn’s type of folk music that features trumpet). It could be one reason I was drawn to Soundgarden in the first place.

The lyrics on this album differ a bit from their previous releases. They are full of imagery. Nothing is quite spelled out and it seems to let the listener discover for themselves just what it might all be about. No typical lyrics from that era of hair metal; no songs about motorcycles, girls and getting trashed. Thinking music you can rock out too.

Lyrics I love:

I’m burning diesel burning dinosaur bones

Its raining ice picks on your steel shore

I’m looking California but feeling Minnesota

The grass is always greener where the dogs are shedding (shitting)

Virgin eyes and dirty looks

I share a cigarette with negativity, Sitting here like wet ashes, With X’s in my eyes and drawing flies. Bathed in perspiration drowned my enemies. Used my inspiration for a guillotine

Badmotorfinger fully deserves to be #1 on my list, simply for the superb musicality from the entire band, the lyrics full of colorful imagery and sheer greatness that was Soundgarden.

Influential Album Challenge Day 8 – Chris Cornell I Am The Highway

Alright, so this is a compilation CD and maybe it’s cheating. But you know what? It’s my list, so there!. At this point, it’s no mystery that the music of Chris Cornell in whatever project he was working on has had a major influence throughout my life. Understandingly, it would just bee to hard for me to pick one or two of his projects and call it good. I figure with this selection of I Am The Highway I can cover everything from Soundgarden, Temple of the Dog, Audioslave and all the great solo works he did.

I became aware of Soundgarden way back in high school. Thanks to the necessary evil MTV and Headbanger’s Ball, this girl from rural Minnesota got to see the videos for Hands All Over and Loud Love. One of the things that impressed me was the voice. How Chris’ voice and Kim’s guitar melded into one other in the opening of Loud Love still impresses me these 30 years later. I purchased Louder Than Love on cassette. When I went away to college and seemed to spend an eternity in the painting studio, this cassette along with Ultramega OK, Flower, Screaming Life/Fopp (which I purchased at a record store/head shop) became my playlist to paint too. (Sidenote: Danzig and German Death Metal that I couldn’t understand a word also were heavily mixed in with Soundgarden). Badmotorfinger was out by this time, but for some reason unknown it didn’t make the cut. Many of my early paintings were created to this odd ball soundtrack I created.

Soundgarden kept me company through the rest of my college career. Badmotorfinger was the soundtrack to my last years at Winona and was the era where I did see Soundgarden live. Superunknown came out during my second stint at college and during one of the best times of my life. My favorite tracks off that CD would have to be My Wave, Fell on Black Days and Just like Suicide. It’s one of those rare CDs that I can listen to from start to end without having the urge to skip songs. I think Chris Cornell was at his best lyrically (for Soundgarden, at least) on this album, though Badmotorfinger is damn close. Down the Upside was also a great album, one I listened to on many roadtrips. I don’t know King Animal very well as I had a young child at the time and time was lacking.

Temple of the Dog was released not too long after Badmotorfinger and that was one cassette I wore out. It was a very different from what I was used to hearing from Soundgarden, but no less impressive. Famously the album was written by Chris Cornell for his friend and roommate, Andy Wood, who had tragically passed away from an overdose. He and members of Pearl Jam recored the album. The lyrics are really personal and in all honesty, as a 21 year old who had never felt loss that deeply, I really didn’t connect with the lyrics until later when I lost some who where close to me. Sadly, I Am The Highway only has 3 songs from Temple of the Dog. There isn’t a song I dislike from this album.

I Am The Highway also has the great Audioslave songs. For me Audioslave was what I listened to when I roadtripped to various shows. It seems fitting to me for some reason.

I think the highlight to I Am The Highway is Chris’ solo career. He could write and play how he wanted without trying to make a Soundgarden or Audioslave sounding song. Chris’ solo career was varied. He dabbled in Pop music (with Timberland), did some sublime covers (Billy Jean, anyone?), soundtrack work for movies like James Bond along with four solid solo albums. Included in this compilation are many songs recorded live as well as 11 previously unreleased songs, the highlight for me being When Bad Does Good. This was released posthumously, and the accompanying video is haunting and so sad. It features Chris’ own son, playing his father as a child. In the video he is delivering newspapers to sights around Seattle that Chris had frequented in his life there. Meanwhile, Chris’ most memorable lyrics are superimposed across the landscape. Heartbreaking.

Other musicians and idols that I have looked up to have passed away, yet not one has affected me quite as much as his passing has. I didn’t know him and yet I miss him.

Influential Album Challenge Day 7 – Mad Verb Sincerely Your Obedient Servant

This is one of those albums that is really hard to separate the music from my life, but I’ll try. Maybe. Probably shouldn’t should I?

Mad Verb came into my life at the annual Taste of Madison in 2001, which was kind of tradition for my friends and I to go make a weekend out of it. It seemed like everyone knew all about them and I was the last to know. It was their first time playing up in these parts and I hadn’t been down to Tulsa like the rest of the gang. So there was a lot of hype and my expectations were set high. I was not disappointed. They were an amazing live band! Sincerely Your Obedient Servant was their first CD.

Mad Verb seemed to be only around for a short while before going on and pursuing different projects. They only released two CDs during that time and very little about them can be found on the internet. Just one little radio clip with their song Cream Puff. This was the song that usually closed their set, a high energy, good-time song that makes for a great mosh pit.

Their song Take Me Places is perhaps one of songs that mean the most to me. It is a slower tempo song about a new relationship. Yes, a cliche subject, but there are certain lines in the song that I repeat to myself when I’m dealing with difficult things.

The past gives us courage. The future lets us know, that today we hold the balance

There’s not much more to life than living blissfully.

And really, that right there is my truth. Don’t worry so much about the past or the future, as none of its really completely within my control. Do what makes me happy, my bliss, and really, that’s what’s going to get me through each day. Perhaps that wasn’t what they meant when they wrote the song, but it what I got out of it.

Mad Verb and this CD hold a lot of wonderful memories for me. I listen to this CD frequently still, all these years later. I listen, and I smile.

Influential Album Challenge Day 6 – Phil Marshall Dondonisi

I like it. I like it a lot.

Sometime during the (Dubya) Bush Administration my friends and I saw Phil Marshall at John’s Bar in La Crosse. We all were highly impressed with his set. There was no question of my buying the CD (Dondonisi) he had for sale at the show.

Phil is one of the artists from the Tulsa, Oklahoma area, (he hails from the UK) that I followed in the late 90s into the 2000s (I know, I know..you’re wondering how did I, a person from Minnesota get into acts from Oklahoma. Don’t worry that will be explained in the coming days). Over the years I’ve seen Phil numerous times and its always been a good time as well as a good show.

One of the things I like most about Phil’s music is his lyrics (Notice a theme here guys? I like words). In the song December Girl, Phil tells the story about a the time a friend of his was having a hard time. She wanted to go travel, see the world and had a lot of anxiety about it. Phil had a lucky half dollar he had found/received. He felt it had a lot of good juju in it as it had served him well. He gave it to his friend and with it she traveled the world and had a great experience. She returned it to him a year later. I’ve always felt a certain connection to this song as I too, have, in my case a lucky penny, given to me by a close friend. All these years later it serves me well still.

Dondonisi is full of gems like December Girl and it certainly didn’t end on this album. His follow-up album Providence? is just as good with songs like Energy and 24 Hours. If you have the time or inclination I would urge you to check out Phil Marshall’s music on his website.

Influential Album Challenge Day 5 – Blue October History for Sale

Until this very moment I wasn’t sure if I was going to pick Blue October’s Foiled or History for Sale. Both albums are superb and I suppose, since History for Sale came first, I’ll go with it. I simply can’t decide which one had a bigger impact on me. (And yes, I’m feeling a torn for not choosing Foiled…seriously, Hate Me is a masterpiece of a song).

Blue came to my notice when I my friend gave me a cd with a bunch of songs of their songs. All my friends were talking about them and I wanted to know what the deal was. It was love at first listen.

I think Blue is probably one of the most under-appreciated bands out there. I have a hard time wrapping my head around why they are played ALL THE TIME on the radio. Maybe due to the brutal honesty about mental health, suicide and addiction Justin Fustenfeld writes about? I don’t know, but whatever the reason, its shameful. Justin lyrics are often dark, but are some of the most poetic words spoken. Yet, his lyrics aren’t lofty, but like a personal conversation he’s having with the listener. The music is generally on the heavier side of rock, catchy and often cheerful, creating an interesting dynamic with the often darker lyrics.

But not every song is dark on History for Sale. Calling You was written by Justin for his girlfriend. It a straightforward and beautiful song about finding love.

If you ever get a chance to see Blue live. Go. I saw them once at Milwaukee’s Summerfest. Justin had broken his leg and performed the entire 2 hours alternating between crutches and sitting on a stool, but nothing of the energy was missing. It was one of the best shows I have ever seen.