Song of the Week #1

I’ve been thinking of starting a weekly post, Something along the lines of Song of the Week where I share a song that I’m currently into. If you would like to share a current favorite of yours in the comments I would absolutely love that.

For this first share of mine I’d like to introduce a song from one of my current favorite bands Badflower. I stumbled upon them in a YouTube feed last winter. They’re a melodic, bluesy rock band that infuses their song with these unexpected hooks. They do not shy away from controversial topics which for me is part of the appeal.

This selected song is one that is not released on any album nor will it likely ever be. (You can read the story about that in Josh Katz’s own words here). The song is emotionally raw, beautiful in it’s imperfections. I give you Move Me.

An Update of Sorts

“The past is done. The future is uncertain. All you’ve got is this one moment, right now.” – Dirty Like Zane Jaine Diamond

The quote above is from a Romance series that I discovered this past year by Jaine Diamond. Please don’t laugh too much. This quote is from one character speaking to another about addiction and finding sobriety, and while that’s not what this blog is about the quote still fits. I’ve been an avid reader the majority of my life, my favorite genres being Sci Fi/Fantasy and Historical Fiction, and I’m not referring to historical romance novels here. I’ve read my fair share of non-fiction and I do delve into classic literature that isn’t assigned to me to read by a college professor. The reasoning is because I needed to know things. Yeah, I was that girl who read Shakespeare’s The Tempest and The Holy Bible all because I wanted to. I’m a great big dorky nerd.

That’s not to say I didn’t partake in my own fair share of trashy Romance novels, or smut books as I like to refer to them, back in my youth. I was a big fan of the historical romance novels by Johanna Lindsey that always featured hyper-chiseled Fabio on the cover. I’m not going to lie and say that I read those books for more more than the sexy bits (or so I thought). They were predictable: Extremely beautiful innocent girl meets over-the-top handsome dude in some impossible situation, like being sold into his brother’s harem or being kidnapped by pirates. At first they hate each other, innocent girl loosed virginity to handsome dude and eventually fall happily-forever in love and live perfectly ever after. The End.

Sometime this past winter I accidentally fell back into reading smut. I had a hard time focusing on the current Fantasy series I was reading. I am not blaming the book, because it was well written and a great story but with everything going on around me in my real life I needed something that didn’t take much effort. Amazon has this great thing for their Kindle called Kindled Unlimited, where basically for a very small monthly fee you have access to more books than you can ever read in 20 lifetimes. One day I stumbled upon The Boy I Hate by Taylor Sullivan, which was basically what I know now as a second chance/best-friend’s brother/roadtrip romance with a HEA (that’s Happily Ever After). I thought, “What the hell?” downloaded it, opened it and got sucked into the tale of an awkward, not very self-assured heroine and a (seemingly) moody asshole hero who hated each other over a misunderstanding that happened way back in their youth. Much hilarity, more misunderstandings, steamy sex and heartache ensued before the two worked their heads out of their arses and found their HEA. Entirely predictable. Entirely certain and entirely what I needed at a time when in real life my Dad was dying from a terribly ugly disease and my husband’s depression/maybe borderline personality disorder was again in full bloom. My life was anything but happy and predictable. So I kept on reading those Romance novels to find the balance I was lacking.

(Side-note: Romance novels today are very different from those I read in my youth. There are so many sub-genres, some that intrigue me and others not so much. The heroes and heroines have faults, traumas and surprisingly there is not always HEA ending in sight. Not every book has a Fabio and super-beautiful innocent maiden anymore. I’m quite fond of the ones that usually involve some darker issue(s) but still have a HEA have a humorous streak about them, like the Cake novels by J. Bengtsson or the Dirty series by Jaine Diamond).

My life still is still full of uncertainty and it can be uncomfortable. But that’s life, isn’t it? Some seriously sorry stuff has happened over the course of this year; my Dad’s death and funeral, his younger brother’s death a mere 3 months later and the passing of two people who for a time where my surrogate parents. There’s been stress involving work and the ever present stress of my husband’s disease and what, if anything, he’s willing to do about it. I care deeply for my husband, but I’m not going to lie, this is very hard on a relationship, on me and the future is full of uncertainty.

I have made a concentrated and completely conscious effort this spring/summer to not let all the sadness consume me. I cannot let it. I went in search of finding some “joy”, sometimes by myself or with my daughter in-tow. I rediscovered my art, or rather dusted-off because I don’t think I ever really lost it. I brought music back into my life. I’ve made reconnections with old friends who I missed way more than I realized. Walking through my old college campus with two important people from that time was gloriously sentimental. Going to see my best friend from High School was the best medicine I could have asked for. We could still talk and confide in one other like we only seen each other yesterday, instead of over a decade. With other friends, forgiveness was given and received, which just might be the greatest feeling of all. I have great co-workers that make me laugh and value my quirky humor. The trip out East to see my beloved niece graduate and time spent with my family just…being, was greatly needed.

My life isn’t predictable, it never was nor likely will it ever be. Nothing is ever certain, but oh, there is happiness to be found. I didn’t end up with a HEA like they do in the romance novels and that’s okay. I had a stinking awesome youth and quite frankly a fun time trying to navigate through my 20’s and 30’s, even if I didn’t always seize every opportunity I coulda/woulda/shoulda. I can’t change any of it anyway. Predicting the future is something I cannot do, it’s uncertain, instead I’m going to do what I can today. Focus on the now.

I’m still going to read trashy romance novels however.

Question of the Day

**Note I am currently without my laptop so I am writing this on my iPad. It’s not ideal, and really weird to type on, not to mention the formatting is not user friendly.**

It may come as not surprise but I have a weak spot for journals. It’s quite dangerous for me to go into that section at Barnes and Noble because guaranteed I will find some pretty little book with a dragon or fairy on it begging for me to buy it, take it home and deface it’s pages with my chicken scratch. Then there are the journaling books that offer inspiration or suggestions on what to write. Last spring I came upon on of those entities One Question a Day. The journal poses one question per day for a year. When you finish the year, you repeat the process, same questions, for 5 years. I suppose its to see how your answers change over time. The answers are to be short and sweet. Some questions are silly and others a bit more serious. I thought it might be kind of interesting to choose 10 questions randomly and answer them here.

What colors do you wear most often?

Being that blue is my favorite color I tend to lean towards blue clothing. Shocker. I also tend to pick up a lot of green as well.

What is your biggest fear?

I have a couple phobias but generally I can work my way around those, except pigs. They give me the creeps. As for my biggest fear is something awful happening to my daughter. An accident where she gets hurt or even worse, someone harming her. Everything else I can conquer, even nasty pigs, but harm befalling my daughter scares me.

When was the last time you cried?

Yesterday. I was driving home listening to music on shuffle and Blue October’s For My Brother, from their live album Argue With a Tree came on. Like every other time I’ve listened to the song I was wiping away the tears. I think it’s one of the most achingly beautiful songs I have ever heard. I wish I could find words to explain this song, but everything I come up with is woefully inadequate. I’ll include the YouTube link. Please give it a listen to the end and you’ll understand.

https://youtu.be/RC0tIrHjTIM

What do you wish you could tell your younger self?

There is probably lots of advice I could give my younger self. Mostly, I think I’d want to tell myself back then, to stop being afraid of what others think and take some chances. I wonder if I could just take the attitude, knowledge and experience that 48 year old me has and put it in 23 year old me what that would have been like.

What is one item on your bucket list?

There are still many things I want to see which require some travel. But experience wise? This is tough for me. I really can’t say I want to do anything daring like, sky-dive or drive a race car. I just have no desire for that kind of stuff. I might have to put some thought into this later.

What issue do you tend to rant about?

The general stupidity of humans. This can be anything from politics or terrible drivers.

What is your usual breakfast?

Hot tea, green or black varieties are my preference. Scrambled eggs and fruit, or out meal if I’m feeling not very energetic. I’m not a morning person but I do need my breakfast to be a decent human being.

Who are you surprised is still your friend?

I have many good friends and I’m blessed to have several “best” friends that have been with me for decades. I’m very lucky and I’m also quite surprised that we are still friends. No, its not that I think I’m some unlikable person but I’ve moved around a lot and its quite hard to maintain relationships long distance. There have been times, before social media and texting, where I haven’t heard from one of my friends for a very long time. Writing is hard. Phoning for a phone-a-phobic like me, and some of my best friends, is downright scary. I have discovered this weekend and the last few weeks of visiting with old friends that you pick that relationship right back up where it left off.

What is the oldest thing in your home?

I think it would be the portraits of my 3x Great-Grandparents Caroline and Heinrich Biebeshimer. They came to the United States from Germany, settled in New York for sometime before moving to Iowa. Heinrich was brewer and grocer. He also was a musician. As the story goes, he bought a wooden flute soon after getting off the boat. I don’t know too much about Caroline other than the basic biographical facts. As for the portraits, I’m not sure on the exact date, but I can deduce that they probably were painted in New York around the 1860s.

What part of your body do you like to show off?

I was tempted to pick another random question because this one is just so…bleh. Currently, nothing. Except maybe my fingernails. I recently started growing them out and they are kind of pretty. Other than that I’m really kind of self conscious about my looks. When I was younger I still had confidence issues regarding my body (who doesn’t?), but I was told I had nice lips and I felt kind of good wearing a crop top.

Life is Short. Time is Fast.

It had been a peaceful evening in the household; the daughter was getting ready for bed and I was starting to pack for my trip tomorrow when the doorbell started ringing frantically. It was the neighbor kid. I won’t go into details but something was amiss at her house and I raced over there to take care of what I could. An hour later things were as sorted as they could be and my daughter and I headed home. Needless to say, the adrenaline is pumping and I couldn’t sleep if I tried. I’d try painting or reading to calm my nerves, but the light isn’t good in this house at night and the current trashy romance novel I’m reading, I fear isn’t a HEA (Happily Ever After) and well, that’s just not going to work. So here I am.

I am going to visit my best friend from High School tomorrow. We’ve not been able to see each other for many, many years we’ve been very fortunate to have able to maintain our friendship. We’re planning on going to see Night Ranger. I used to be a freakin’ huge Night Ranger fangirl back in the day and while my enthusiasm has wained a bit for them over the years they will always be a sentimental favorite of mine. Earlier in the day on my friend’s blog she wrote about the concert and her thoughts surrounding music and the event. Of course this in turn prompted my own thoughts.

Some time ago I saw a meme on Facebook that stuck with me, that said “Life is too short, buy the shoes, go to the concert, eat the cake”. Something along that vein anyway. I used to go to shows all the time in my 20’s into my 30’s. I got to see a lot of great bands, experience some pretty epic music. I made friends, had adventures and thoroughly enjoyed myself. Even if I didn’t particularly like a band it was fun being with my people dancing freely or moshing in the pit.

Then I got married, had my daughter and thought I had to make more “grown up” choices. This was by no means my daughter’s or anyone else’s doing, just some silly notion I told myself. Don’t get me wrong I love being a mom and nothing is more important than this, I forgot all about the balance of things.

But then…2 years ago I woke up to the news that my musical idol, Chris Cornell had unexpectedly died. He and Soundgarden had performed near me not 2 days before, and again, I talked myself out of going. The regret still runs deep. This coupled with the recent illnesses and deaths kind of was like an eye opener. Regret is something I don’t want dragging me down anymore. There are a lot of things besides missed concerts and fancy shoes not purchased that I regret.

So when my friend tossed the idea out me driving over for the concert and for a visit, without hesitation I agreed. No more am I going to let things slide, let life happen and wallow in the regrets of things I didn’t do or say.

Tell your people you love them, that you appreciate them.

Buy the fancy shoes, if that’s your thing.

Have your cake and eat it too, frosting and all.

Buy the damn concert tickets.

Go. Do it.

Seeking the Balance

I’ve been wanting to write this for weeks, ever since a talk I had with my friend weeks ago when we took our trip back to our old college town, but life happens. I can’t recall exactly what it was that directed out conversation onto this topic so perhaps the how’s and why’s aren’t so important.

The topic? Balance.

In all things…balance. You’ve got to take the ugly with the beauty.

There cannot be good without evil; order without chaos.

There is no light without the darkside. (Yes, that is a Star Wars reference. Apologies to Han, but I kind of have a thing for hokey religions and ancient weapons).

In order for one organism to live another must die. The balance of nature, the good old Circle of Life that Mufasa kept talking about.

I’m not an overly religious person. Spiritual, sure, with a heavy dose of agnosticism thrown in. I believe there is a higher power (for lack of a better word) but I don’t feel that it’s existence can, nor should be, proven. I was raised in the Catholic faith and while, I still go to mass and find a certain peacefulness in the ritual I feel that my personal beliefs are more in sync with some Native American cultures. (“God” is more of a force, an energy, that flows and ebbs through all things. Through the rocks, us, all living things…everything, making everything connected). There is a feeling of balance and harmony that I do not find within the confines of my Catholic upbringing.

For quite sometime my life has been way out of whack, the balance has been heavily leaning towards the negative. Much of it has not been in my control, and I acknowledge those bits I can’t change. Like a bear out of hibernation, I feel like I’ve awoken from a long nap, and I’m going to start finding my balance, my positive again.

In recent months I’ve lost my Dad, my Uncle and yesterday, a former student. My husband’s ongoing battle with depression has been stressful and often has left me feeling wilted and unhappy. These things are all horribly sad. They are also things that are beyond my control and they are not my battles to fight. It’s been a struggle at times, but through this darkness I have found my light. The balance I was looking for. It has always been there, its light dulled, but it has always been there waiting for me. I started painting again and it felt so good! I’ve reconnected with old friends that have brought so much joy into my life. Music has returned, bringing with it exciting new artists. I have a smart, fun kid who likes to hang out with me, even though enforcing the rules and boundaries set up for her, has earned me “The Meanest Mom in the World” title.

In all things…balance. Let me not forget this.

What’s in a Name?

Months ago when I was rereading my old journals from college I realized just how cathartic writing had been for me. I won’t claim to be great at it or anything but it honestly helped me work out things that crowded my thinking back then. It’s no secret that my life has been far from rosy these last few years and it dawned on me that I ought to pick writing back up again as its something I’ve missed.

The next step was sharing some of my thoughts with, well, anyone who cared to read them, hence this blog, Is Yesterday’s Tomorrow Today. A place for me to share my reflections, musings, and meanderings.

While the meaning behind my blog’s name isn’t exactly the same as Stereophonic’s song Is Yesterday, Tomorrow, Today? it was most defiantly inspired by the song. (Stereophonics are a Welch band that formed in the early 90s. If you haven’t heard of them, by all means go check them out.)

Current Work

Music and painting have always been two very important things to me. In my late 20’s and into my 30’s I spent no small amount of time going to shows seeing my favorite bands. It’s one of my favorite times of my life and I still enjoy going to see good music. The lights, the thudding of the bass and drums…ahhh, I loved it. I don’t know why I never thought to bring this experience of mine into my painting.

That is until I was going through some photos I took years ago. I was fascinated with the colors of the lights and how they changed the actual colors of the musician’s clothing, skin, etc. My first painting was the close up of the man singing and playing guitar, followed by the orange lead singer. Last was the purple duo.

These are not supposed to be any one particular person. Instead I like to think of them as everyone and no one. I was more after the feeling of a show, rather than someone specific. In fact I borrowed parts from different images to create each painting.

While I am proud of each of these paintings for different reasons, I think my personal favorite would be the orange one. It by far was the most difficult one to achieve of the three simply because orange does not play well with other colors. I feel like I was very successful with the bright white light behind the hand holding the mic stand. With this painting I actually feel the urge to jump up and down and yell as if I was at a concert.

I aim to continue working on this series for awhile. I have several ideas in the back of my head, but I think I’m going to be a bit more leisurely about it. All of these paintings were done within a months time. I finished the first blue painting right before my Dad’s death and the other two were part of a challenge I was participating in. Acrylic April or Artsy April is where you do something creative and post it on social media once a day for an entire month. I finished the purple painting last week. While I have another painting planned I cannot finish it within this month so I’ll take my time and post it when it is complete.

Influential Album Challenge Day 10 – Caroline’s Spine Monsoon

February 14, 1998. First Avenue, Minneapolis, MN. The day my Caroline’s Spine adventure began.

It was the day I first saw the only band that I would consider sharing the number one spot with Soundgarden’s Badmotorfinger on my, oh so important influential album challenge. Caroline’s Spine is not only a big influence music-wise, but it also a personal connection that, really I wouldn’t care to separate from the music. As I mentioned, it was a nearly 10 year epic journey “following” a band, meeting and making some life-long friends and an all around good time.

On that February day, my friends Cathy, Russ and I had decided to go and see a Sebastian Bach concert at the famous First Avenue in Minneapolis. Caroline’s Spine was the opening band. Generally speaking I am rarely moved by opening act, but this band was different right out of the gate. From the first song, which I would find out later was called Jumpship, I was completely blown away. My friend Cathy and I looked at each other halfway through their set in amazement. After the show we went over to the merch table intent on buying their CD. Unfortunately, they were sold out.

I drove down to Mankato the next day in search of their CD Monsoon. Once purchased it was on permeant rotation in my CD player. I was not alone in my new found obsession, as my friend Cathy had it just as bad. I told her that once summer came around and if they had a show anywhere within 8 hours driving distance, we’d go. Our next show was in Lincoln, NE (or was it Sioux Falls, SD? It’s all such a blur!) followed by the New London Music Fest somewhere deep into Wisconsin. Not too long after this we started seeing familiar faces at the shows and making new friends. I met one of my greatest and dearest friends, Seven, at a show in Cedar Rapids, IA. She and I had some of the best road trips ever. Every show it seemed that our little family added a new face or two. Through the years many of us have stayed close, even if we do not get together like we used too. Every time I hear Rainbow Connection I think them.

When I first saw Spine they were touring in support of their CD Monsoon. Basically, Monsoon is comprised of the “best songs” from the bands four previous indie releases (Caroline’s Spine, …So Good Afternoon, Ignore the Ants and Huge). They were remastered or re-recorded. These songs were the backbone of any Spine show, but to really get Spine, I almost think you had to see them live.

But back to the album. There is a strong lyrical storytelling aspect to Monsoon, especially on the band’s most recognizable song, Sullivan. It is a retelling of five brothers from Waterloo, IA stationed on the same ship in the South Pacific during WWII. The music is somewhere between alternative and hard rock, a post-grunge sound if you like (which is a thing). Upbeat and in-your-face with some of the catchiest guitar riffs around.

I’ve always thought it a shame that Spine didn’t get the recognition they so rightly deserved. Do yourself a favor. Go over to YouTube and search for Sullivan. Or any of their live shows. You won’t be disappointed.

Influential Album Challenge Day 9 – Soundgarden Badmotorfinger

I consider Badmotorfinger and the album I will name for day 10 to be a tie for #1 on my list. I’m not going to even try and pick which one means more to me.

I know I selected Chris Cornell’s retrospective CD for Day 8 yesterday, but for me Badmotorfinger is, and has been one of my favorite CDs for nearly 30 years now and for that reason alone it deserves it own damn spot on my list. In fact I think it is the quintessential Soundgarden album. Yesterday was about Chris Cornell and his legacy, today, is Soundgarden. There were three other guys in the band, Kim Thayil, Matt Cameron and Ben Shepard, each masters of their craft. Take anyone one of them away and you’d not have the Soundgarden we think of.

So much attention has been given to Chris Cornell about his contribution to music, his voice, his lyrics, that it often overshadowed the rest of the band. You know I love me some Chris Cornell, but it is true. For instance, did you know that Room a Thousand Years Wide was written by Matt Cameron and Kim Thayil? And that my favorite song off the CD, Slaves and Bulldozers was a collaboration between bassist and human bean stalk, Ben Shepard and Cornell? (Makes sense, since the bass in this song is f-n’ badass).

I am not a musician and really have a very small grasp of anything technical about music. Apparently, Badmotorfinger is full of unusual time signatures and tunings. I’ve always liked to listen to things that are off the beaten path so to speak. I like the unusual, the odd thing put in place where it shouldn’t be. I like the weird. Music isn’t any different. (For instance, take Johnny Flynn’s type of folk music that features trumpet). It could be one reason I was drawn to Soundgarden in the first place.

The lyrics on this album differ a bit from their previous releases. They are full of imagery. Nothing is quite spelled out and it seems to let the listener discover for themselves just what it might all be about. No typical lyrics from that era of hair metal; no songs about motorcycles, girls and getting trashed. Thinking music you can rock out too.

Lyrics I love:

I’m burning diesel burning dinosaur bones

Its raining ice picks on your steel shore

I’m looking California but feeling Minnesota

The grass is always greener where the dogs are shedding (shitting)

Virgin eyes and dirty looks

I share a cigarette with negativity, Sitting here like wet ashes, With X’s in my eyes and drawing flies. Bathed in perspiration drowned my enemies. Used my inspiration for a guillotine

Badmotorfinger fully deserves to be #1 on my list, simply for the superb musicality from the entire band, the lyrics full of colorful imagery and sheer greatness that was Soundgarden.

Influential Album Challenge Day 8 – Chris Cornell I Am The Highway

Alright, so this is a compilation CD and maybe it’s cheating. But you know what? It’s my list, so there!. At this point, it’s no mystery that the music of Chris Cornell in whatever project he was working on has had a major influence throughout my life. Understandingly, it would just bee to hard for me to pick one or two of his projects and call it good. I figure with this selection of I Am The Highway I can cover everything from Soundgarden, Temple of the Dog, Audioslave and all the great solo works he did.

I became aware of Soundgarden way back in high school. Thanks to the necessary evil MTV and Headbanger’s Ball, this girl from rural Minnesota got to see the videos for Hands All Over and Loud Love. One of the things that impressed me was the voice. How Chris’ voice and Kim’s guitar melded into one other in the opening of Loud Love still impresses me these 30 years later. I purchased Louder Than Love on cassette. When I went away to college and seemed to spend an eternity in the painting studio, this cassette along with Ultramega OK, Flower, Screaming Life/Fopp (which I purchased at a record store/head shop) became my playlist to paint too. (Sidenote: Danzig and German Death Metal that I couldn’t understand a word also were heavily mixed in with Soundgarden). Badmotorfinger was out by this time, but for some reason unknown it didn’t make the cut. Many of my early paintings were created to this odd ball soundtrack I created.

Soundgarden kept me company through the rest of my college career. Badmotorfinger was the soundtrack to my last years at Winona and was the era where I did see Soundgarden live. Superunknown came out during my second stint at college and during one of the best times of my life. My favorite tracks off that CD would have to be My Wave, Fell on Black Days and Just like Suicide. It’s one of those rare CDs that I can listen to from start to end without having the urge to skip songs. I think Chris Cornell was at his best lyrically (for Soundgarden, at least) on this album, though Badmotorfinger is damn close. Down the Upside was also a great album, one I listened to on many roadtrips. I don’t know King Animal very well as I had a young child at the time and time was lacking.

Temple of the Dog was released not too long after Badmotorfinger and that was one cassette I wore out. It was a very different from what I was used to hearing from Soundgarden, but no less impressive. Famously the album was written by Chris Cornell for his friend and roommate, Andy Wood, who had tragically passed away from an overdose. He and members of Pearl Jam recored the album. The lyrics are really personal and in all honesty, as a 21 year old who had never felt loss that deeply, I really didn’t connect with the lyrics until later when I lost some who where close to me. Sadly, I Am The Highway only has 3 songs from Temple of the Dog. There isn’t a song I dislike from this album.

I Am The Highway also has the great Audioslave songs. For me Audioslave was what I listened to when I roadtripped to various shows. It seems fitting to me for some reason.

I think the highlight to I Am The Highway is Chris’ solo career. He could write and play how he wanted without trying to make a Soundgarden or Audioslave sounding song. Chris’ solo career was varied. He dabbled in Pop music (with Timberland), did some sublime covers (Billy Jean, anyone?), soundtrack work for movies like James Bond along with four solid solo albums. Included in this compilation are many songs recorded live as well as 11 previously unreleased songs, the highlight for me being When Bad Does Good. This was released posthumously, and the accompanying video is haunting and so sad. It features Chris’ own son, playing his father as a child. In the video he is delivering newspapers to sights around Seattle that Chris had frequented in his life there. Meanwhile, Chris’ most memorable lyrics are superimposed across the landscape. Heartbreaking.

Other musicians and idols that I have looked up to have passed away, yet not one has affected me quite as much as his passing has. I didn’t know him and yet I miss him.