Waxing Nostalgic

Tonight is my High School 30 year reunion and I’m not entirely sure how I feel about it. The 80’s was a great decade in all its weirdness. Neon clothes, pegged jeans, Hair Metal and Depeche Mode and big, big hair. The Breakfast Club really wasn’t too far off the mark in depicting high school life of the 80s.

I moved to town in the middle of 9th grade. The city I came from had 4 large high schools. I certainly didn’t know everyone in my class nor did everyone know me. This served me well. I was a somewhat awkward and painfully shy, except around my group of friends. I existed in the background, the observer, and was mostly left alone. My new school was not going to be the same. It was far smaller than I was used to, my new class being around 200 students.

Very few of my new classmates were welcoming. In fact I it wasn’t long before I became a target for bullying. There is one particular incident that I struggle to forget. It was everyone’s favorite class Phy Ed. (Can you hear my eye roll?) We were headed back to the locker room to change from our gym clothes after class when three “popular” girls ran ahead of me. They were laughing, tauntingly at me. They entered the locker room, slammed the door and locked it. I don’t quite remember how I got into the locker room, only that it took everything in my power not to cry in front of those assholes. This kind of bullying lessened as time went on. Nonetheless the damage was done.

Not everything was that terrible. I did make some good life-long friends and we made great memories of our own. I found success in my art. I even sometimes found my voice. I remember the time my best friend and I stayed after school to work. The guy who was my HUGE crush and one of his friends were also there painting. There was some discussion about music and how girls only like “crappy” music like Bon Jovi and don’t like good music, like Metallica or Led Zepplin. “They say they like them, but they don’t have any of their tapes.” Mostly this was coming from my crush’s friend and I remember being so offended that I piped up and let him have it and ended my point with the fact I did indeed have all of Led Zepplin’s tapes and I also had some of Metallica’s as I walked out the door. (And yes, I also had all of Bon Jovi, but I didn’t tell them that).

After graduation my family moved across the state and I went with them. Life after high school was a great improvement and I really haven’t looked back. I have kept in contact with those I wanted to. I am not friends on Facebook with everyone from my class. There are about 3 people from my class that I would welcome seeing in person. I might have 4 more people that I graduated with that were nice to me in some respect that I don’t mind keeping up with, but the rest, I really have little interest in letting them know what I’ve been up too.

However, I am a curious person. Ok, I’m downright snoopy. I did join the class reunion page on Facebook and the pictures of the reunion are being posted at a steady pace. I recognize some of the people but many I don’t. There has been talk about everyone did during their Senior Skip day. I couldn’t help but laugh as mine involved two of my friends, a broken down car, hitching a ride with a trucker and spending the day at a truck weigh station singing Guns n’ Roses. Definably not an ideal time but it was unique and we did have what fun we could. Plus, its always a bonus to hitch a ride with a trucker who wasn’t an axe murderer.

I have no regrets in not going to my reunion and I don’t feel like I’m missing out. I do miss the simplicity of being that age where the biggest worry was being in the same classes as your friends. The people in the shared pictures tonight look happy and I do hope that they are having a good time. It’s just not the reunion for me. Maybe if there were such a thing as a college reunion. That I might be up for. Bring on the 90s nostalgia with its Grunge music and Friends reruns.

An Update of Sorts

“The past is done. The future is uncertain. All you’ve got is this one moment, right now.” – Dirty Like Zane Jaine Diamond

The quote above is from a Romance series that I discovered this past year by Jaine Diamond. Please don’t laugh too much. This quote is from one character speaking to another about addiction and finding sobriety, and while that’s not what this blog is about the quote still fits. I’ve been an avid reader the majority of my life, my favorite genres being Sci Fi/Fantasy and Historical Fiction, and I’m not referring to historical romance novels here. I’ve read my fair share of non-fiction and I do delve into classic literature that isn’t assigned to me to read by a college professor. The reasoning is because I needed to know things. Yeah, I was that girl who read Shakespeare’s The Tempest and The Holy Bible all because I wanted to. I’m a great big dorky nerd.

That’s not to say I didn’t partake in my own fair share of trashy Romance novels, or smut books as I like to refer to them, back in my youth. I was a big fan of the historical romance novels by Johanna Lindsey that always featured hyper-chiseled Fabio on the cover. I’m not going to lie and say that I read those books for more more than the sexy bits (or so I thought). They were predictable: Extremely beautiful innocent girl meets over-the-top handsome dude in some impossible situation, like being sold into his brother’s harem or being kidnapped by pirates. At first they hate each other, innocent girl loosed virginity to handsome dude and eventually fall happily-forever in love and live perfectly ever after. The End.

Sometime this past winter I accidentally fell back into reading smut. I had a hard time focusing on the current Fantasy series I was reading. I am not blaming the book, because it was well written and a great story but with everything going on around me in my real life I needed something that didn’t take much effort. Amazon has this great thing for their Kindle called Kindled Unlimited, where basically for a very small monthly fee you have access to more books than you can ever read in 20 lifetimes. One day I stumbled upon The Boy I Hate by Taylor Sullivan, which was basically what I know now as a second chance/best-friend’s brother/roadtrip romance with a HEA (that’s Happily Ever After). I thought, “What the hell?” downloaded it, opened it and got sucked into the tale of an awkward, not very self-assured heroine and a (seemingly) moody asshole hero who hated each other over a misunderstanding that happened way back in their youth. Much hilarity, more misunderstandings, steamy sex and heartache ensued before the two worked their heads out of their arses and found their HEA. Entirely predictable. Entirely certain and entirely what I needed at a time when in real life my Dad was dying from a terribly ugly disease and my husband’s depression/maybe borderline personality disorder was again in full bloom. My life was anything but happy and predictable. So I kept on reading those Romance novels to find the balance I was lacking.

(Side-note: Romance novels today are very different from those I read in my youth. There are so many sub-genres, some that intrigue me and others not so much. The heroes and heroines have faults, traumas and surprisingly there is not always HEA ending in sight. Not every book has a Fabio and super-beautiful innocent maiden anymore. I’m quite fond of the ones that usually involve some darker issue(s) but still have a HEA have a humorous streak about them, like the Cake novels by J. Bengtsson or the Dirty series by Jaine Diamond).

My life still is still full of uncertainty and it can be uncomfortable. But that’s life, isn’t it? Some seriously sorry stuff has happened over the course of this year; my Dad’s death and funeral, his younger brother’s death a mere 3 months later and the passing of two people who for a time where my surrogate parents. There’s been stress involving work and the ever present stress of my husband’s disease and what, if anything, he’s willing to do about it. I care deeply for my husband, but I’m not going to lie, this is very hard on a relationship, on me and the future is full of uncertainty.

I have made a concentrated and completely conscious effort this spring/summer to not let all the sadness consume me. I cannot let it. I went in search of finding some “joy”, sometimes by myself or with my daughter in-tow. I rediscovered my art, or rather dusted-off because I don’t think I ever really lost it. I brought music back into my life. I’ve made reconnections with old friends who I missed way more than I realized. Walking through my old college campus with two important people from that time was gloriously sentimental. Going to see my best friend from High School was the best medicine I could have asked for. We could still talk and confide in one other like we only seen each other yesterday, instead of over a decade. With other friends, forgiveness was given and received, which just might be the greatest feeling of all. I have great co-workers that make me laugh and value my quirky humor. The trip out East to see my beloved niece graduate and time spent with my family just…being, was greatly needed.

My life isn’t predictable, it never was nor likely will it ever be. Nothing is ever certain, but oh, there is happiness to be found. I didn’t end up with a HEA like they do in the romance novels and that’s okay. I had a stinking awesome youth and quite frankly a fun time trying to navigate through my 20’s and 30’s, even if I didn’t always seize every opportunity I coulda/woulda/shoulda. I can’t change any of it anyway. Predicting the future is something I cannot do, it’s uncertain, instead I’m going to do what I can today. Focus on the now.

I’m still going to read trashy romance novels however.

Question of the Day

**Note I am currently without my laptop so I am writing this on my iPad. It’s not ideal, and really weird to type on, not to mention the formatting is not user friendly.**

It may come as not surprise but I have a weak spot for journals. It’s quite dangerous for me to go into that section at Barnes and Noble because guaranteed I will find some pretty little book with a dragon or fairy on it begging for me to buy it, take it home and deface it’s pages with my chicken scratch. Then there are the journaling books that offer inspiration or suggestions on what to write. Last spring I came upon on of those entities One Question a Day. The journal poses one question per day for a year. When you finish the year, you repeat the process, same questions, for 5 years. I suppose its to see how your answers change over time. The answers are to be short and sweet. Some questions are silly and others a bit more serious. I thought it might be kind of interesting to choose 10 questions randomly and answer them here.

What colors do you wear most often?

Being that blue is my favorite color I tend to lean towards blue clothing. Shocker. I also tend to pick up a lot of green as well.

What is your biggest fear?

I have a couple phobias but generally I can work my way around those, except pigs. They give me the creeps. As for my biggest fear is something awful happening to my daughter. An accident where she gets hurt or even worse, someone harming her. Everything else I can conquer, even nasty pigs, but harm befalling my daughter scares me.

When was the last time you cried?

Yesterday. I was driving home listening to music on shuffle and Blue October’s For My Brother, from their live album Argue With a Tree came on. Like every other time I’ve listened to the song I was wiping away the tears. I think it’s one of the most achingly beautiful songs I have ever heard. I wish I could find words to explain this song, but everything I come up with is woefully inadequate. I’ll include the YouTube link. Please give it a listen to the end and you’ll understand.

https://youtu.be/RC0tIrHjTIM

What do you wish you could tell your younger self?

There is probably lots of advice I could give my younger self. Mostly, I think I’d want to tell myself back then, to stop being afraid of what others think and take some chances. I wonder if I could just take the attitude, knowledge and experience that 48 year old me has and put it in 23 year old me what that would have been like.

What is one item on your bucket list?

There are still many things I want to see which require some travel. But experience wise? This is tough for me. I really can’t say I want to do anything daring like, sky-dive or drive a race car. I just have no desire for that kind of stuff. I might have to put some thought into this later.

What issue do you tend to rant about?

The general stupidity of humans. This can be anything from politics or terrible drivers.

What is your usual breakfast?

Hot tea, green or black varieties are my preference. Scrambled eggs and fruit, or out meal if I’m feeling not very energetic. I’m not a morning person but I do need my breakfast to be a decent human being.

Who are you surprised is still your friend?

I have many good friends and I’m blessed to have several “best” friends that have been with me for decades. I’m very lucky and I’m also quite surprised that we are still friends. No, its not that I think I’m some unlikable person but I’ve moved around a lot and its quite hard to maintain relationships long distance. There have been times, before social media and texting, where I haven’t heard from one of my friends for a very long time. Writing is hard. Phoning for a phone-a-phobic like me, and some of my best friends, is downright scary. I have discovered this weekend and the last few weeks of visiting with old friends that you pick that relationship right back up where it left off.

What is the oldest thing in your home?

I think it would be the portraits of my 3x Great-Grandparents Caroline and Heinrich Biebeshimer. They came to the United States from Germany, settled in New York for sometime before moving to Iowa. Heinrich was brewer and grocer. He also was a musician. As the story goes, he bought a wooden flute soon after getting off the boat. I don’t know too much about Caroline other than the basic biographical facts. As for the portraits, I’m not sure on the exact date, but I can deduce that they probably were painted in New York around the 1860s.

What part of your body do you like to show off?

I was tempted to pick another random question because this one is just so…bleh. Currently, nothing. Except maybe my fingernails. I recently started growing them out and they are kind of pretty. Other than that I’m really kind of self conscious about my looks. When I was younger I still had confidence issues regarding my body (who doesn’t?), but I was told I had nice lips and I felt kind of good wearing a crop top.

Life is Short. Time is Fast.

It had been a peaceful evening in the household; the daughter was getting ready for bed and I was starting to pack for my trip tomorrow when the doorbell started ringing frantically. It was the neighbor kid. I won’t go into details but something was amiss at her house and I raced over there to take care of what I could. An hour later things were as sorted as they could be and my daughter and I headed home. Needless to say, the adrenaline is pumping and I couldn’t sleep if I tried. I’d try painting or reading to calm my nerves, but the light isn’t good in this house at night and the current trashy romance novel I’m reading, I fear isn’t a HEA (Happily Ever After) and well, that’s just not going to work. So here I am.

I am going to visit my best friend from High School tomorrow. We’ve not been able to see each other for many, many years we’ve been very fortunate to have able to maintain our friendship. We’re planning on going to see Night Ranger. I used to be a freakin’ huge Night Ranger fangirl back in the day and while my enthusiasm has wained a bit for them over the years they will always be a sentimental favorite of mine. Earlier in the day on my friend’s blog she wrote about the concert and her thoughts surrounding music and the event. Of course this in turn prompted my own thoughts.

Some time ago I saw a meme on Facebook that stuck with me, that said “Life is too short, buy the shoes, go to the concert, eat the cake”. Something along that vein anyway. I used to go to shows all the time in my 20’s into my 30’s. I got to see a lot of great bands, experience some pretty epic music. I made friends, had adventures and thoroughly enjoyed myself. Even if I didn’t particularly like a band it was fun being with my people dancing freely or moshing in the pit.

Then I got married, had my daughter and thought I had to make more “grown up” choices. This was by no means my daughter’s or anyone else’s doing, just some silly notion I told myself. Don’t get me wrong I love being a mom and nothing is more important than this, I forgot all about the balance of things.

But then…2 years ago I woke up to the news that my musical idol, Chris Cornell had unexpectedly died. He and Soundgarden had performed near me not 2 days before, and again, I talked myself out of going. The regret still runs deep. This coupled with the recent illnesses and deaths kind of was like an eye opener. Regret is something I don’t want dragging me down anymore. There are a lot of things besides missed concerts and fancy shoes not purchased that I regret.

So when my friend tossed the idea out me driving over for the concert and for a visit, without hesitation I agreed. No more am I going to let things slide, let life happen and wallow in the regrets of things I didn’t do or say.

Tell your people you love them, that you appreciate them.

Buy the fancy shoes, if that’s your thing.

Have your cake and eat it too, frosting and all.

Buy the damn concert tickets.

Go. Do it.

Seeking the Balance

I’ve been wanting to write this for weeks, ever since a talk I had with my friend weeks ago when we took our trip back to our old college town, but life happens. I can’t recall exactly what it was that directed out conversation onto this topic so perhaps the how’s and why’s aren’t so important.

The topic? Balance.

In all things…balance. You’ve got to take the ugly with the beauty.

There cannot be good without evil; order without chaos.

There is no light without the darkside. (Yes, that is a Star Wars reference. Apologies to Han, but I kind of have a thing for hokey religions and ancient weapons).

In order for one organism to live another must die. The balance of nature, the good old Circle of Life that Mufasa kept talking about.

I’m not an overly religious person. Spiritual, sure, with a heavy dose of agnosticism thrown in. I believe there is a higher power (for lack of a better word) but I don’t feel that it’s existence can, nor should be, proven. I was raised in the Catholic faith and while, I still go to mass and find a certain peacefulness in the ritual I feel that my personal beliefs are more in sync with some Native American cultures. (“God” is more of a force, an energy, that flows and ebbs through all things. Through the rocks, us, all living things…everything, making everything connected). There is a feeling of balance and harmony that I do not find within the confines of my Catholic upbringing.

For quite sometime my life has been way out of whack, the balance has been heavily leaning towards the negative. Much of it has not been in my control, and I acknowledge those bits I can’t change. Like a bear out of hibernation, I feel like I’ve awoken from a long nap, and I’m going to start finding my balance, my positive again.

In recent months I’ve lost my Dad, my Uncle and yesterday, a former student. My husband’s ongoing battle with depression has been stressful and often has left me feeling wilted and unhappy. These things are all horribly sad. They are also things that are beyond my control and they are not my battles to fight. It’s been a struggle at times, but through this darkness I have found my light. The balance I was looking for. It has always been there, its light dulled, but it has always been there waiting for me. I started painting again and it felt so good! I’ve reconnected with old friends that have brought so much joy into my life. Music has returned, bringing with it exciting new artists. I have a smart, fun kid who likes to hang out with me, even though enforcing the rules and boundaries set up for her, has earned me “The Meanest Mom in the World” title.

In all things…balance. Let me not forget this.